*sigh*

     Can we talk about baby daddies? Not fathers, not dads, baby daddies. The ones who make the baby then leave. Sperm donors. They suck, like badly. I want to push mine down a flight of stairs. Why, well because he's an idiot and doesn't care. I don't care if he cares about me but Gabe is suffering because of him. He leaves then comes back; its a never ending cycle. He says he cares but actions speak louder then words.
      Why so much bitterness? Well I guess you could say I still love him, but I do not want him back. He's childish, immature, and a man whore. He has three kids(that I know of) by different women. I can't say I'm innocent because I'm part of the reason he has two kids that are six months apart. He was dating a close friend of mine and my stupid self slept with him. My actions are inexcusable but at least I feel remorse, not that I got pregnant but because I hurt said friend badly. But this idiot has no remorse. His feelings are false. I do believe he's obsessed with her,
     I'm proud of her though. I really am. I hear a lot of good and positive things from different people and I know she's doing well. I wish I was as strong as her, so I didn't have to deal with this drama. I want to move on but I'm stuck. I can't be mean to him, I can't just cut him out of our lives. I want him to realize that he is a father and he needs to grow up but it's like he doesn't want to. It's insane. Why do I still talk to him? I don't even know.
     Sometimes I think he wants to be a father but then he does things that makes me regret said thoughts. All he wants is easy sex. An easy lay. Well I don't think so pal. Sorry but this girl only gives out to the one she's with. Right now I'm with no one at the moment but that doesn't mean I want to have meaningless sex. And that's what it is. It doesn't mean anything to him so why should it mean anything to me? Plus he has a bunch of other girls that he's fucking.
    He just recently broke up with his current girlfriend and I know I'm part of the reason why. I wish he would have just left me alone. I don't want to be the reason anyone breaks up with anyone. It's not a good feeling and I hate it. I beat myself up everyday for her my friend and I wish I could do something, anything to change part of what happened. I love my son with all my heart and soul but I wish he had a different father. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, it might. Life threw a curve ball I didn't expect and now I must do everything I can to just wing it. Does that make any sense? Probably not.
    Back to the subject at hand. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm falling into old patterns and it's going to bite me in the face if I don't do something about it. Why me? Why? Why can't he just leave me alone. Why can't I just forget about him. No matter what he always comes back. It used to make me happy and now I'm just annoyed. I've seen him for who he really is and who he really is, is just ugly. His soul isn't pleasant, it's a black void that sucks everything up and if you're lucky enough it might just spit you back out. I seem to be stuck in that void. I'm hoping it spits me out and leaves me alone. Ugh!! I just want him to hurt, is that bad? I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to think these thoughts but I can't help it. I just have so much anger!!!
     *sigh* I just want a good life for me and my son. I want a clean slate for the both of us. I hope it happens soon. I really do....