People...

People are irritating, simple as that. They get pissed over the stupidest thing and you know what I'm one of them. But when you get pissed at something so silly it's ridiculous. And I loathe when people put their shit on facebook. Tumblr is a different thing because it was originally meant to be an online journal but when people constantly put their business all over facebook well I think that's a cry for attention. "Someone pissed me off, better put it on fb so everyone can comment and like it and I can be a little prissy baby" Wah wah. Every once in awhile is most likely fine, you know as long as it doesn't involve extreme shit and what not. But everyday about every little thing? Please if you have to post your emotions everyday on fb then you have a SERIOUS problem and NEED to get help. And if you choose not to get help then that's your prerogative but PLEASE refrain from posting every little thing on fb or everyone is going to think you are a whiny little kid who needs help. Ugh I am so ticked off it's not even funny. Sure I post things on fb but not into exact detail and not about every little thing. Sorry if this a long post but god DAMN does it really piss me off when people are screaming for attention. This is my opinion and if you don't like it too bad, don't give a flying fuck. Thank you and have a fanfuckingtastic day 

Useless and other things

    What do you do when one of your parents is useless? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Why? Because there's no point in doing anything, especially when that parent doesn't care. All they care about is doing things for themselves. They don't care and that's what I'm dealing with. A mother who would rather go spend time with an ex-abusive ex who could end up abusing her again. She'd rather do that then help her own daughter with things to secure her future. My future isn't important to her, she's a selfish witch(I'm trying not to cuss because I have a child). She's one of those people who say "Oh, my jobs done here, figure everything else on your own"
     SELFISH!
     I just can't stand her anymore. I'm at my breaking point. She's never done anything that's benefited us. NEVER! If she's done things it's because she has a boyfriend or wants to look 'good' in front of others. And she wonders why we are the way we are. She doesn't care but you know what, I don't need her. Once I get what I need I'm done, she's no longer apart of my life. I have no respect for her, whatsoever. I just, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm dealing with so much shit it's not even funny. I can't rely on anyone.
    It's funny really, the people who tell me I can rely on them end up bailing in the end. I may sound childish and immature but at least I'm honest with myself, at least I don't lie day after day. I don't want to end up like her, I don't ever want to be like her. She just makes me so mad. I'm sorry my future isn't important to you but it is to me. I don't want to be in this family anymore, I really don't. I don't belong with them and I just want to leave. Take Gabriel and go because I'm obviously a disappointment to them.
   Well too bad! I'm just going to worry about me now. Myself and Gabriel and that's it. I'll go to school then get a job and leave. They won't ever see me again. They won't ever see Gabe and me again and if they wonder why well it's because they pushed me away. No one's proud of me, no one is happy for me not anything. I just want to leave. I don't want to be selfish but this is how I feel. These are my feelings and no one seems to care. But I hate feeling like this.
    I hate feeling like depressed and angry all the time but that's what I am. I'm either depressed or angry, hardly ever happy.

Sick of it all

              They say not to "disrespect" her but how can I respect her when she doesn't deserve it half the time. I am so sick of it. Why don't I have a great relationship with my mother? It couldn't be because she's barely here or the fact that she drinks. I would have understood if she had work but no. After so many years of not having a job she is forced to have one now. Why? Because she doesn't have child support or her father to help her. It's so freaking sad, she's a fifty something year old woman having to rely on her children because she can't stay in a job for over a year. I'm surprised she's kept this job. It's so frustrating, how she belittles My sisters and me. She has absolutely no room to talk.
              NONE!
              I am at my breaking point with her. She goes to work, comes home and gets drunk. And people wonder why I don't like alcohol. Sure I'll drink but I will not drink to get drunk. I will NEVER get drunk again. I hate the feeling and I hate how it affects people. I'm sorry but that's my views and I am sticking to them. Back to the subject at hand.
            How on Earth can I respect this woman. Sure she's done good things but when the good is out weighed by the bad? She scares my friends, makes people angry and is just a miserable person. I just.....I don't know what to do. I don't hate her but honestly I can't stand her. Yeah she's my mother but what do you do when the one who is suppose to care the most probably barely cares at all? She always belittles me, always says hurtful things to me and she knows it hurts. I hate it. Sometimes I just want to run away but I have no where to run to and I can't do that to Gabe. I can't take him out of a home and into the streets. If I were by myself I'd already be gone but I've got my son and I can't do that to him.
           But I am so fed up with living with her. I know I need a job, my license and  a freaking car. I'm TRYING! But I need help, and no one wants to help me. I've got little to no help so how in the word am I going to get the things I need. Some people get it without help but at bad costs. I don't want to sink to a bad level. I don't want to be like my mother who gets help all the time but I don't want to sink to rock bottom. I'm already near it. *Sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so emotionally unstable it's not funny. I hope something good comes my way, for Gabe's sake.

Friends til the end?

       You know how you can tell a friends pissed off at you and is holding you back at arms length? Well it sucks, ya know? You get mad at them, they get mad at you for being mad at them and then when you try to apologize it basically blows up in your face. Am I right? Being friends with people has definitely become difficult as you grow up. But they tell you that, don't they. They say "You won't be friends with the people you were friends with in High School" Sure you'll have a few good friends that stay by your side but they're just about left you as well. You find new friends, they find new friend and then you're just strangers with a past.
       It sucks actually.
       I don't even know what to do anymore. I try, I really do but it all falls through holes. Then you're left with a broken friendship, both sides too stubborn to fix it. But when one does try to fix it the other smashes it even further, claiming things have changed. I just don't understand it sometimes; that's life though, it has a funny way of turning things around on you. Like dropping hints about crap and what not. Ugh I'm not even making any sense right now. I'm so angry and tired and Ugh!!
     This will be a short entry, why? Because I'm just too tired to function right now. Good night

*sigh*

     Can we talk about baby daddies? Not fathers, not dads, baby daddies. The ones who make the baby then leave. Sperm donors. They suck, like badly. I want to push mine down a flight of stairs. Why, well because he's an idiot and doesn't care. I don't care if he cares about me but Gabe is suffering because of him. He leaves then comes back; its a never ending cycle. He says he cares but actions speak louder then words.
      Why so much bitterness? Well I guess you could say I still love him, but I do not want him back. He's childish, immature, and a man whore. He has three kids(that I know of) by different women. I can't say I'm innocent because I'm part of the reason he has two kids that are six months apart. He was dating a close friend of mine and my stupid self slept with him. My actions are inexcusable but at least I feel remorse, not that I got pregnant but because I hurt said friend badly. But this idiot has no remorse. His feelings are false. I do believe he's obsessed with her,
     I'm proud of her though. I really am. I hear a lot of good and positive things from different people and I know she's doing well. I wish I was as strong as her, so I didn't have to deal with this drama. I want to move on but I'm stuck. I can't be mean to him, I can't just cut him out of our lives. I want him to realize that he is a father and he needs to grow up but it's like he doesn't want to. It's insane. Why do I still talk to him? I don't even know.
     Sometimes I think he wants to be a father but then he does things that makes me regret said thoughts. All he wants is easy sex. An easy lay. Well I don't think so pal. Sorry but this girl only gives out to the one she's with. Right now I'm with no one at the moment but that doesn't mean I want to have meaningless sex. And that's what it is. It doesn't mean anything to him so why should it mean anything to me? Plus he has a bunch of other girls that he's fucking.
    He just recently broke up with his current girlfriend and I know I'm part of the reason why. I wish he would have just left me alone. I don't want to be the reason anyone breaks up with anyone. It's not a good feeling and I hate it. I beat myself up everyday for her my friend and I wish I could do something, anything to change part of what happened. I love my son with all my heart and soul but I wish he had a different father. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, it might. Life threw a curve ball I didn't expect and now I must do everything I can to just wing it. Does that make any sense? Probably not.
    Back to the subject at hand. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm falling into old patterns and it's going to bite me in the face if I don't do something about it. Why me? Why? Why can't he just leave me alone. Why can't I just forget about him. No matter what he always comes back. It used to make me happy and now I'm just annoyed. I've seen him for who he really is and who he really is, is just ugly. His soul isn't pleasant, it's a black void that sucks everything up and if you're lucky enough it might just spit you back out. I seem to be stuck in that void. I'm hoping it spits me out and leaves me alone. Ugh!! I just want him to hurt, is that bad? I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to think these thoughts but I can't help it. I just have so much anger!!!
     *sigh* I just want a good life for me and my son. I want a clean slate for the both of us. I hope it happens soon. I really do....

Mother oh mother

    Where do I even start? This blog is going to be about my mother. I love that woman to death but sometimes I just want to...I don't even know. She is so irritatingly frustrating sometimes. Especially when she's drunk. Don't even get me started on that.
     Let's just say she's an alcoholic.
     Ever since I was a child that's all I really remember of her. Going out to bars, to friends house's or simply staying home. Everywhere she went she had alcohol. I mean I'll vouch that she doesn't drink as much as she used to but now, when she does drink, she drinks so much that she loses like 10 IQ points. She acts like an immature child. I kid you not she does. It's sad, it really is. To  have to grow up around that. Luckily I can defend myself but back when I was smaller she'd abuse us. Not to the point where it left physical marks but it definitely left mental marks.
     To this day I can still remember all the times she hit me or my sister. To this day I can recall all the times she came home and yelled and screamed at us for no good reason....okay, I lied she had a fairly good reason but that's beside the point. We were kids, so of course our rooms would be messy, but come on, she once broke a wooden spoon over my sister's rump(nicer choice of words I guess). Any who, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sick of it. Ever since she couldn't physically hit us she's made it seem like she's the victim. That "no one cares for her" and all that crap. Are you kidding me?!
      You're a 50-something nearly sixty year old woman and you're playing that card?? HA! If we didn't care we wouldn't be around. If we didn't care you couldn't reduce us to tears every time you pulled this stunt. I mean one day we might end up "not caring". Why, because of the little games you play.
     Recently she's been seeing her ex boyfriend(my parents are divorced, have been since I was three) and you might think "oh well that's not bad" well let me tell you. This man used to abuse her. That's right, this man used to hit my mom, get into fights with her and all that crap. He used to just drop us off somewhere and leave us there to find our own ride. He sent my mother to the freaking hospital once. Would you go back to someone like that?? I don't think so! She swears up and down that he's changed and maybe he has but that doesn't excuse the past. He put trauma on this family and I for one will not be so easily swayed by this "transformation".
     I probably shouldn't be putting some of this stuff up here but what can I do? A journal can only help so much and if I could get feedback from a person who is in a somewhat similar situation that'd be perfect. I don't want to end up like her. Already I had a child at a young age(whom I love so very much) not to mention it was with a deadbeat loser who's addicted to sex and pregnant woman(that story will have to be another day). But I feel a pattern and I am going to try my best to break it.
      *sigh* well that about does it for tonight, I'm gonna watch Priest(plus my hand is cramping) Good night everyone.

Stories

       So I like to write....it should be obvious but yeah. But I have a problem. I never seem to finish what I write.
      Tragic, I know.
      But recently I've been having an idea swimming around in my head. I've been playing with it around in my mind and I really do like it. My sister's boyfriend says it sounds "typical" but I don't think so. I really like it and the concept and I don't think it'll be like any other book. Well, it might, a little but that's beside's the point. What is this said book about? Well I shall tell you...but only a little.
     Well basically it's about this girl, her name is Seraphina Mitchell, and she's just your average run of the mill girl who just wants to finish High School and get out of town. But there's a problem, she meets a guy named Damien, who turns out to be the Devil. He tells Sera(a nickname) that on he owns her. Crazy right? Well Sera thinks so too, til Damien shows her his true form. Then she doesn't think it's so crazy. So from there she must find a way to save her soul before her 18th birthday or the Devil will claim it. "Don't stare into the eyes of the Devil lest you want to lose your soul forever."
      That last line? Yeah, I kinda made it up. Why? Well you know the saying "The eyes are the windows to your soul,"? Well maybe that's how the Devil literally steals your soul. Not going to go into exact detail buuuut yesh. I like the idea and sure, it might be "typical" but hey, at least I'm trying!
      I love to write, it's a passion of mine. I was surprised I even had a knack for it. I didn't truly start writing til I was in seventh grade when I wrote my first story. Grant it, it was a story based of me and my crush but a story nonetheless. I look at how I write today and compare it to the past and I gotta say I've improved immensely and there's always room for improvement. I'm going to keep writing, keep writing til my fingers bleed...well not til they bleed but til they cramp from spending hours upon hours of none stop writing and typing. Yes, i'm one of those people. HAHAHA!!
       I do hope to become a writer someday. To get something published and become a young writers inspiration. To inspire younger kids to want to write would be a beautiful thing. I believe writing is indeed a form of art, you're just painting pictures with words. Well good night lovely people or you know, to who ever reads this<3